Understood

            I waved to my mom when I got off the huge yellow bus.  I knew she would be waiting for me at school to walk with me to my new environment.  I ran to her and she gave me a kiss on my little rosy cheeks and told me how proud she was of me for riding the bus for the first time.  Then she took my hand and we walked down several hallways together.

            I found looked at dark blue cubby in the classroom until I found mine and put my jacket and pink nickelodeon backpack in it.  Then I looked at every wooden round table, searching for my name.  When I found it I proudly told my mom and I sat in my dark blue seat with my mom bending down one leg talking to me.

            “Parents, it is time to leave.  But I promise you that all your children will have a wonderful day and full school year in kindergarten,” said Mrs. Prescott, my new teacher.  I kissed my mom on her chubby cheeks and she gave me a kiss and one last hug until she left me alone at my table with children I did not know but I was not shy or scared.  I was calm, happy, excited, and ready to learn.  I was especially anxious about learning how to read and write.  At this time, nobody knew that there was something different about me. 

            Before it was October I made new friends at school, I played tee-ball, I learned how to hold a pencil and more.  But I saw that I was not learning to read and write as well as my classmates but I did not care.  At this time I just wanted to be a normal kid and I did not see anything wrong with me.  I thought that I would eventually learn and catch up to my peers but besides my reading and writing difficulties, something else came up. 

            I started to notice that a lot of adults were having difficulties understanding me.  I would say a word or a sentence and they would look at me confused.  I would repeat myself but they would still look at me puzzled. 

            “Never mind,” I would tell them.  My parents and friends could understand me, but I did not understand why the adults at school could not understand me.  I started to be come quiet around the adults at school and eventually I decided not to speak to them, but only to my friends and family.  My teachers became concerned and so did my mom, until a new teacher showed up one day at my kindergarten classroom.

            The teacher said my teacher and I got up from my table and walked to her.  She introduced me to the teacher standing next to her and told me that I would be spending time with her.  The new teacher told me to follow her and as we walked down the many hallways we picked up a few students on the way.  I remembered that I did not feel any emotions.  I was not scared or happy or shy or sad.  I did not know what was going on but I went with the flow of what the future had in store for me. 

            The teacher took the students and I to a small classroom at the end of the hallway.  She gave me a folder that had my name on it and told me that she would be helping pronounced my letters.  As a six year old I did not have much of a say but she told me what letters we would be working on, that we would meet two times a week, and that my speaking would get better.  She asked if I understood and I said yes even though I really did not understand. 

            It became a regular thing for me to go to this special class called speech and learn how to pronounce my letters.  At home my mother did my speech homework with me and helped me whenever we got the opportunity when we were not at home.  Eventually June came and before I knew it September was once again on its way and I would be in first grade.  I knew I would be returning to the speech classes, but there was another surprise for me at school. 

            I was sitting at my desk when a teacher I never met before came in and my teacher told us to get up when our names were called.  Only three names were called and one of those names was my own.  I followed the teacher in the hallway as she got three more students and then took us to another small class I never been to before. 

            The room had nine desks, a black board at the front, and in a corner a semi-circle table.  Just like my first day of speech class I did not feel happy, excited, shy, scared, or anything. 

            I heard the teacher say my name and I raised my hand.  She pointed to the dark brown desk I would be sitting in and I sat down in it.  Once everyone was seated she handed out our workbooks and told us that we would be spending our Language Arts and Reading period in this class everyday. 

            I do not remember how long I spent in the special class each day, but I knew it was a long time.  I recalled having snacks time in the class and playing phonic games.  I actually have very little memory of my regular classroom in elementary school.  But it occurred to me by fourth grade that I was the only one of my group of friends in the class.  No one every told me why I was in the class but I did learn to read and write along with spelling.  But not as well as my friends.  By fourth grade my friends could read short novels while I was still stuck on picture books.  I started to think that I would never be a good reader, writer, or speller.  I refused to go into the public library, attend any schoolbook sells, or walk into a Barns and Noble bookstore.  I hated reading and spelling because I knew that I was not good at it. 

            But I found a passionate to write.  At ten years old I wrote fairytales of magical places with wizards and dragons.  I wrote about a talking lion cub who got lost, created the Purple Power Ranger and her adventures, and my favorite were stories I wrote about Neverland and going on quests with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.  My imagination was so create that I could not keep them in my head, I had to write them down.  Unfortunately no one could read them.  Every word I used was spell wrong, every tense I used was wrong, and I did not understand paragraphs so my stories were just one long paragraph.  Since I was the only one who could understand my early stories I kept them to myself although I am sure my mom found a few.  It was a long time until someone saw my passionate for writing.

            Years passed as fast as seasons and before I knew it I was in tenth grade and sixteen years old, ten years after I started kindergarten.  Within a ten-year period, everything changed.  I graduated from speech class in seventh grade, I was put into mainstream math classes by sixth grade, and by seventh grade I was no longer in special education classes, instead I was in inclusive classrooms, where I was finally in class with my friends.  But my learning problems were still present. 

            Teachers complained about my essays and I dreaded every time I got one back.  There would always be read marks all over my paper and the “see me” at the top right corner.  When I graduated from middle school I tried to ignore the red marks and whenever a paper said, “see me” I would never see my teacher.  When I got into high school I was in inclusive classrooms for every subject, except Spanish.  At high school I saw that things changed. 

            The special education teachers in all my classes were overwhelmed.  They never had time to review my papers, homework, or worksheets.  They were too busy watching out for the students with the sever disabilities and by October of my freshman year I learned to look out for myself.  I still got red marks, did poor on every exam, but all I cared about was passing but I also wanted to be acknowledged, but I was an invisible kid.  None of my teachers saw me or knew of my existence in the classroom.  It was hard, painful, and lonely but I passed.  Then I met him when I was in tenth grade and our meeting was a coincidence, then again, I do not believe in coincidence. 

            “Jesy, this is not an in support class but you still get your accommodation of extra time.  Today is just a test to see if it is a good fit for you, do you understand,” and I told my caseworker that I did.  I walked into the classroom feeling shy and nervous where the teacher, Mr. M greeted me.  He showed me where I could sit and he knew that it would be a good seat because when my friend Jeff walked in he was surprised to see me sitting next to his desk.  My first assignment in the class was to write a fifty-five-word story and at first I was shock.  I could write about anything I wanted?  No outline?  No topic?  No research about an author or character?  Just write as long as it was fifty-five words long?  In my head I was full of joy because I knew this was something I was good at and quickly got out my pen and Jeff handed me a white piece of paper.  I got so into the assignment that I kept writing over fifty-five words.  I was surprised when the teacher told us we had ten minutes left and some students shared their stories.  When the period ended, I knew that I would do well in the class. 

            I do not remember my first real essay for my new English class but I was shy, nervous, and scared.  When Mr. M started to hand the papers back to us my hands started to sweat, I look down at my gray desk, and I did not dare to look up and stare at him in the eyes.  He put my paper upside down on my desk and I knew that this was it.  All the red marks and cross out, and I knew it was going to be filled with the color red.  When I turned it over I was right with everything and Mr. M saw the look on my face and came over. 

            “Jesy, you have a lot of difficulties with spelling and your tenses but I loved your essay, it was very creative.  You are a very smart kid,” and all I could do was stare at him speechless.  Did he just say that?  With all those mistakes, did he really look pass all the mistakes and call me smart?  Throughout the rest of the school year I looked forward to Mr. M English’s class.  Although I had difficulties he always looked pass it and saw that I was really a smart kid who was overlooked because of my poor spelling, reading, and grammar.  I was happy in Mr. M’s class but I would not forget what I saw in June as I passed by his class one day after school.

            I saw Mr. M putting our books away into brown cardboard boxes.  He took all the Macbeth, Catcher in the Rye, Mango Street, and The Body of Christopher Reed books and put them away.  He was cleaning up for the summer and I walked away as quickly as possible because I knew that my happiness in his class was almost at an end and I was afraid of the future.

            I would never forget when I walked into the classroom one last time and saw that everything was gone.  All the books were put away and gone, the decorations were gone, and the teacher’s desk was empty.  When the period ended I became afraid because I knew that I would be in an inclusive classroom next year and I felt as if I lost my freedom once that clock said two in the afternoon. That year Mr. M reminded me why I loved to write like I did so many years ago, he over look my disabilities and saw that through my creativity I was smart, and helped me conquer my dyslexia.  Even to this day at the age of twenty I thank God that I met him and pray at the chapel of Mary every Sunday for her to watch out for him and keep him safe because if it was not for him I would not be confident in myself, determine to make my dream come true, or know that despite my dyslexia I am intelligent.

 I made sure that I did not have a sad face or a smile.  Just a regular face so that I could be strong and to show him that I would be brave in the next chapter of my life.

“Good-bye,”

“See you around, Jesy,” 

Freshman Math

I was already in my desk when the bell rung.  Even though it was a new day and the class did not start yet, I already knew what was going to happen. 

            I got out my binder and my teacher handed out color paper to everyone because she did not like to use white paper.  I got a light blue paper and on it was a math formula and vocabulary words such as horizontal, vertex, origin, and so on.  The formula I remembered was the intersect slope formula, y = mx + b.  The teacher told us the definition of the vocabulary words but I had trouble listening and writing at the same time.  I raised my hand in class and most of my classmate did the same.  But I already knew that no one would come to help me.

            In the upper right corner of the room, the special education teacher stayed there and helped the students in that corner, never moving from her spot. She thought that the students in that corner needed her help the most, but I needed her help too.  I knew I was in special services because I had difficulties with reading, math, and writing.  It was not until a year later when anyone discovered my dyslexia.  Sometimes the special education teacher would come over to me but she would only tell me how everything on the paper was wrong and she would get frustrated at me.  The only thing I did was sit there quietly and let her punch me with her words. 

            I lowered my hand when I saw that today she would not be moving from her spot.  The teacher at the front of the classroom moved on and taught us how to use the formula and I flipped over my paper to discover some math problems.  When it was time to practice I did all the math problems as best as I could, although I knew that all the answers were wrong. 

            My teacher walked around the room but always skipped me, leaving the special education teacher to deal with me.  I raised my hand so that someone could check my work. The teacher saw my hand but ignored it and the special education teacher saw my hand as well and ignored it. When my arm grew tired, I lowered my arm, again knowing that no one was coming. 

            The teacher went over the problems on the white board and I saw that to no surprise all my answers were wrong.  I did not try to fix them because I knew it did not matter to anyone.  I knew that none of the teachers were going to help me or acknowledge my presences in the class.  The teacher left me for the special education teacher and the special education teacher left me to fend for myself.  

            The bell rang and I put my binder away and walk off to my next class, knowing that the same disease was waiting for me there. 

The next day I walked into my math class and I raised my hand once.  The day after was the same and so was the day after. 

By the first week of October, I stopped raising my hand.  

Soccer Ball

              I was walking in town to get a hotdog from the street corner.  After I got my hotdog I decided to eat it across the street at the park.  I found an empty wooden bench to sit on and I slowly started to take small bites of my warm hotdog.  Then I heard a noise and I looked up to see a group of middle school boys kicking a soccer ball.  I stopped eating and looked at their directions but I was not interested in the group of boys, I was focusing on their black and white soccer ball.  Because it brought back happy memories.

            As a child I had my own black and white soccer ball.  In daycare I was the best goalie but once I started elementary school I quit soccer because the field was infested with bees and wasp.  Since I was very small I had a huge fear of bees and wasp, the doctors call it apiphobia.  I was very sad when I gave up soccer because I was really good at it, but eventually my soccer ball would become useful.

            When I was eight years old my family bought a six-month-old chocolate lab.  He was huge for his age and my friends were afraid of him but he was a gentle soul and minded his own business.  We named him Sam.  Very quickly Sam discovered his love for my soccer ball.  I would kick the ball and he would chase it, pick it up, and return it to me to kick.  But being a dog meant that Sam had huge, sharp, white teeth.  One time he returned my soccer ball to me with wholes in it and all the air drained out.  I was disappointed because I thought we had to stop playing but Sam just stood there and stared at me as if telling me, “Go ahead, kick it!” so I did and our play continued with a soccer ball without air. 

            One time when we were staying at our winter house for the weekend, I went in the backyard to play with Sam.  Of course when Sam saw me coming out, he quickly ran and grabbed the soccer ball.  Wait.  I said that correctly right?  A soccer ball?  Last time I check we did not have any soccer balls at our winter house.  I told Sam to drop it and I started at the light green and white soccer ball that no longer had air in it. 

            “Where did you get this?” I asked Sam and he just stared at me.  I then saw through the trees our neighbor’s backyard with a swing set, sandbox, and toys.  Oh no! 

            “Sam, did you take this from our neighbors?” and he just stared at me with his tongue sticking out.  Since the air was already gone from the soccer ball I did not see any need to return it.  I picked up the ball, kicked it in the air, and Sam went to get it.  Our neighbors never came over and asked us if we had their lost soccer ball.  We kept it until it was so torn; we had to throw it out. 

            Time passed quickly for Sam.  By the time he was seven, he could no longer play because of his hip dysplasia.  Even though I kicked the ball he would desperately try to get it but eventually I stopped kicking the ball for him so he could rest outside.  Nine days after Sam’s birthday he passed away, the old dog lived to be nine years old. 

            Eventually the boys in the park picked up their soccer ball and decided to leave.  I went back to eating my hot dog and once I was done I threw out the shiny, silver, tin foil that it came with.  I started to walk home and I told myself that wherever Sam was he was happy, probably chasing a soccer ball that would never run out of air.   

Prison Freedom

            The first thing I see when I open my eyes is the color grey.  When I sit up I look around the room although I have seen the same thing my whole life.  Grey walls, metal bed with white sheets, a silver toilet in the corner, and high on the wall, a small window to view the sky.  That day, the sky was blue with a few clouds. 

            I turned around when I heard the bars slide and the doors open.  A man came in wearing the guard uniform which was dark green, with brown boots, a green cap, and a gun bigger then me.  

            “Breakfast,” he told me and I got out of my bed, walked up to him, and put both my arms out.  The guard tied a chain around my waist, ankles, and wrists.  He put his hand on my shoulder and directed me down the hall, a few turns, and then into the cafeteria. 

            The cafeteria was full with other inmates wearing the same prison uniform I was wearing.  A one-piece light blue jump suit, but females wore a white T-shirt underneath while the males did not.  I got on the breakfast line, and then got a gray trey, and then the food lady put bread, eggs, and a cup of water on my trey.  I then walked over to the next seat that was available and sat down. 

            Some people already touch their foods and started drinking their water, but I stared at my breakfast and let my long hair cover the front of my face.  I was thinking about why I was in jail and what I did to live there.  The truth was, I did not do anything wrong except being alive.  The other inmates were in prison for the same exact reason that I was:

We were born in prison and sentence to life

            My name is 2062-13 and under my name outside my cell was the number 10.  I was 10 years old, meaning that I had been in prison for 10 years.  I never knew my parents.  I did not know if I have any siblings.  But above all, I did not know if I had a family.  I could spell, read, write, or count.  There was no education in jail because education was for those born and lived free. 

            After breakfast I was sent back to my cell and the guard (a different guard) gave me toothpaste and a brush, along with soap to wash my hands.  After brushing my teeth and washing my hands, I returned the objects to the guard who then took me to the back doors to line up with the others.  

            When the doors open we walked in two single file lines.  We were walking to the building next to the prison:  The Factory.  Everyday the guards assigned us a job and on that day I was assigned to untying knots.  At the beginning of the workday it was boring and easy but as the day progress, my fingers started to ach and become numb. 

            Every now and then the doors to the factory would open and we had to close our eyes or squint.  Most of the times it was a group of guards who were ready to take over the shift of the guards who were watching us.  Sometimes it was a group of men wearing clean suits and shiny black boots.  We knew these men had power and money and when they came, it meant business.  That day when the door open, a group of men in suits came in along with a few women who also showed they had power and money. 

            “You,” said one of the men snapping his fingers and pointing to one of the boys.  The boy looked up and walked over to the man but did not dare stare him in the eye.

            “Shine my shoe,” said the man and the boy found a cloth and shiner around the room and started to shine the man’s shoe.  When the boy was done, he got up but still looked down.  Then the man slapped him and spit at him.  Even though this terrible act happened, everyone continued working as if nothing happened.

            “Useless scum,” said the man with a smile on his face, staring at the boy.  The group of grown ups laughed with him.  Then he turned to the guard. 

            “I heard we had two accidents yesterdays, can we see them?”  The guard nodded and walked upstairs to get the two children.  When he came back down, he had two girls.  One girl was a bit older then me while the other one looked like she was barely five.

            “Put out your hands girls,” said the guard as the girls presented their hands.  The older girl showed that her index finger was gone while the youngest showed that she lost a total of three fingers and had a fourth bandage.  The man and the other people looked at the girls’ hands very carefully and examined them. 

            “Take this one away, send her back to her job,” said one of the women and a second guard came to escort her back upstairs.  The group was still examining the younger girl and talked quietly among themselves. 

            “Send this one to the basement.  We can always replace her.  We have a new batch of toddlers arriving tomorrow anyway,” said a very fat man and a third guard came over to escort the very young child out of the factory and back to the prison, where she will be sent to the basement.  All the inmates knew that once you were sent to the basement, you would never come back.  It was very sad when a child went to the basement but no one paid attention and no one cried.  There were no friends in prison; only those who were free could have friends. 

            The group of people walked around and examined each station in the factory and talked among themselves, even though we could hear them.  We heard them say the words “bastards”, “useless”, “ungrateful”, “his parent must had been a drunk,” “her parent must had been a hooker”, and so on.  When the people left we were all happy and many hours later the guards called it a day and escorted us to the cafeteria for dinner.  That night we had bread, one burger (without the buns), and a cup of water. 

            After dinner the guards came in and made us line up in age order.  They did this every few days or so.  The guards mostly focused on the older kids, the ones who were almost nineteen or older.  We all watch the guards pull out about six of the older kids and escorted them out.  We knew where they were taking them.  The older kids were going to be sent to adult prisons where the adults could have gone to prison for any number of reasons from stealing to murder.  When the older kids were gone, we were each escorted back to our cells and getting ready for sleep. 

            Once I was in my cell, the guard took off my chains and closed the bars.  I looked up at the window and saw the night sky along with a crescent moon and stars.  I then lay in my bed and went under the sheets before the lights went out and stared at the sky. 

            I was thinking about my parents and wondering who they were and if they knew that I would end up here.  But I understood why I was here.  Scientist discovered a long time ago human genetics and eventually took it one step further.  They discovered that children born in prison would eventually commit a horrible crime, such as murder, rape, torture, and more.  The percentage of us becoming terrible criminals was 95%.  To keep society safe and unharmed, they put us in prison from the moment we are born.  The guards said we lost our freedom:  freedom of speech, education, owning property, voting, and the freedom to be free.  It took me a while that night, but I realized that I would live and die in prison.  I would never be free.  But I badly wanted to be free and have freedom.  Because I could have been part of that 5% who would grows up to be a kind and wonderful person with a family.  I closed my eyes with one tear going down my cheek because I knew:  This was not my fault.  I did nothing wrong.  

Sister School

            They told me that I could get help at the sister school.  The sister school had special services for kids like me.  They told me that the sister school had the same classes, followed the same curriculum, and was just like the school I attended now.  The only difference was that the school was in another town, with a service that could help me.  But they told me it was my decision.  They tried desperately to get me to go to the sister school. 

I asked them how I would survive at that school without my friends.  The friends who had my back since we were in grade school.  How would I do without my friends in my classes? My friends and I would chat during lunch, work on group projects, and help each other.  What would I do at the sister school, knowing that I knew no one?  How would my friends feel if they knew I choose the sister school over them? 

What about the teachers who helped me at school?  I would never see them during the school day.  Mr. M would no longer say “hi” to me, Mrs. C would no longer tell me “good luck”, and Ms. B would no longer give me a pat on the back.  All my support would be gone. 

Why does the sister school offer a different special services?  Even though it is under the same district?  At this school I get extra time and a reader for exams, but at the sister school I could be in smaller mainstream classes and have in classroom lunch when I did not want to deal with the loud noise in the cafeteria.  Although they could help me, I could never leave my friends who were my main support.  I have difficulty talking to people and making new friends.  I would be even more depressed.

So they can keep telling me how great the program is at the sister school. How I would be better off there and that they can give me better support then here, but my answer will always be the same.  I want to stay.  I want to see my friends and teachers everyday at school because they are the ones who really help me.  

Jaelyn

            Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl and so on until every student was lined up evenly in one of the many rows outside the school.  I stood tall as the teacher went up and down each row, checking student’s uniforms.  I made sure my feet were touching each other and my arms were at the side of my body.  I held my breath as one of the teachers came to me and looked at me up and down.  I stared straight into the girl’s head in front of me.  I tried not to move.  I was relieved when the teacher passed me in approval.  When the teachers were done checking students, they walked back to the front of the building. That was when Father Michael came out with his bible. 

“In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit,”

“Amen,” Father Michael opened his bible and started to read from the gospel.  This was a natural ritual for us, ever since the rebels took over the country five years ago.  I turned my eyes slowly to the row on my left.  Standing diagonal from me was Jaelyn.  That was her name before they changed it. 

            Seven years ago, in my kindergarten classroom I was sitting at my table eating my lunch when Jaelyn started to talk to me.  I remember she wore a Yankee baseball team shirt with the number 2 on the back, with dark blue jeans, and black sneakers.  

“I’ll trade you my Oreos for your chips,” were the first words I said to her and when she agreed I was so happy. 

“You like the Power Rangers?” she asked me and I applied with a nod and that day at recess, we pretended to be the Power Rangers.  I was the red ranger while Jaelyn decided to be the black ranger.  That day when we were playing together, we became best friends.  

“Peace be with you,”

“And with you spirit,”

“Bow down you heads for the blessing,” and we all bowed down our heads.  When Father Michael was done blessing us, the students with the best grades went up to where Father Michael was and put up our country’s flag.  The flag was white with a crucifix in the middle.  As the flag was being lifted we put our hands over our heart and started to sing our national anthem.  After the morning ceremony, we walked in row by row to our classrooms.  I was not going to see Jaelyn until lunchtime. 

            Due to the rebels fighting, the school closed down when I was about to go into the first grade.  It was too dangerous to go outside and many adults joined the cause of the rebels.  But even though the school was closed, Jaelyn and I still met.  But one day her parents were upset. 

“Do you plan to leave?” asked my mother to Jaelyn’s mother. 

“It’s not so bad.  The rebels say that if we join their cause, they will leave us alone,”

“No, they can not keep a promise like that.  You and your family must find safety,”

“The government right now will not help us and the rebels are giving us hope.  Besides, this is our home too.  My great-grandparents came here from Poland for a better life and we have always lived in this town,”

“You can be safe in Canada,”

“No, we will stay.  This is our home.  The rebels will help us.  They already promised,”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt,” My mother and Jaelyn’s mother did not know that I was overhearing their conversation.  I did not understand back then what they were talking about but I knew that I did not want Jaelyn to leave.  That was when I placed my trust in the rebels.  But I never image what they had planned. 

            “Joseph Carter,” and I raised my hand to show my teacher that I was present.  After roll call, Mr. Hort passed out our quiz on the Ten Commandments.  We had to write them in order and then give an example about how a person could break a commandment and what would happen to them.  The answer was always the same.  If you broke one of the commandments, you could be put on trial and then be sentences to death by being stoned or hang. 

            For gym classed I had to change out my uniform, which consisted of a green tie, white shirt, black pants, and black shoes.  During certain holidays we were required to wear a purple, red, or a yellow tie.  Our ties were consistent with the Church seasons. 

            I took off my uniform and changed into my gym clothes: dark brown boots, a dark green shirt, and camouflage pants with a matching jacket. 

            I walked into the gym room and lined up with my class.  We lined up in the same order as we did in the mornings: boy, girl, boy, girl.  Our gym teacher, Sergeant Gerald took us out into the back woods for shooting practice. 

“It doesn’t matter if you are a boy or a girl, you are equal in the eyes of God.  All of you are part of his holy army,”

            We were all excited when the rebels overtook the government and the schools re-opened.  Jaelyn and I were going to start the second grade.  But unlike our past years at school, we were assigned uniforms and were given grey backpacks.  Jaelyn did not like that she could not wear her Yankee shirt on the first day of school. 

“I hate these uniforms!  Stupid ties!” I remember her saying.  I smiled with her.  We were not allowed to take off our ties but some kids on the playground did and then got in trouble.  Although Jaelyn was a girl, she had to wear the same uniform as I did:  White shirt, tie, shoes, and instead of pants, she had to wear a skirt, which of course she hated.  Then I remembered that on the first day of school Jaelyn got into huge trouble for something that was not her fault.

“What is that?” the lady asked.  I never saw her before but later I learned that her name was Sister Barbara. 

“A necklace,” Jaelyn told her.  Sister Barbara walked behind Jaelyn and took it off. 

“This necklace is forbidden in school.  I never want to see it again,” she said handing it to Jaelyn. 

“But I’ve always worn it,”

“I never want to see it again or I will throw it away!” It took me a while to get use to Jaelyn not wearing her star necklace.  Eventually, Jaelyn’s star became outlaw and illegal to display in public.  Or anywhere in the country. 

            After gym class, we changed back into our uniforms and returned to class.  After our lessons on the saints, we went to lunch.  We were not allowed to bring our own lunches because the school gave us a lunch based on a strict healthy diet. We sat with our class and we did not eat right away because we had to wait for the afternoon prayer from Father Michael.  Once the afternoon prayers were over, then we got to eat.  But we had to be very careful.  If you spilled any of the food, got anything on your shirt, slouch, slurped, or burped then a sister or a priest would hit you with their rulers.  I have marks on my back to prove how many times I got hit. 

            Recess was the only time we got to interact and play.  But it was not the same as before.  The playground is nothing but a blacktop with four old basketball hoops which are no longer in use.  The only toys we have are hula-hoops, jacks, marbles, and jump ropes.  At recess, I found Jaelyn, who was now called Elizabeth. 

“How are you Elizabeth?” I asked.

“Fine and you Joseph?”

“Okay.  Do you want to play?”

“No, I want to read my bible,” Then a group of boys asked if I wanted to play marbles with them and I agreed because I hated reading. 

“I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” Elizabeth replied. I knew Jaelyn was going to read the bible because if she did not, the sisters would get mad at her, along with the other children who were like Jaelyn. They all lived at the school. 

            Sister Barbara grabbed my hair one day during the middle of recess of second grade.  I was playing tag with Jaelyn and the other kids when she grabbed it.  I started to cry. 

“Your hair is too long,” she said and she dragged me to the nurse’s office. 

“What is this?” the nurse asked frighten.

“This boy needs his hair cut,” said Sister Barbara in her demanding voice.

“Then you should tell his parents to take him to a barber,”

“Cut his hair!” The nurse gave a huge sigh and took out a pair of scissors from her drawer. 

“I’m so sorry Joseph,” she whispered to me and she started to cut my hair.  She cut my hair until almost nothing was left. 

“Perfect,” said Sister Barbara with a huge smile. 

            Before school ended, we all gathered in the auditorium for Father’s Michael sermon.  It wasn’t really a sermon; it was more of a speech about sin.  Father Michael told us what sin was, and how abortion and gay marriage is a sin.  He told us how our government would save us from hell and that Jesus would save us through our leader and the Pope.  When Father Michael was done, we left row by row and went home.  At least, some of us did. 

            It happened when we were in third grade.  All the boys had their hair short, to the style of a crew cut and the girls had to tie their hairs back.  No girl could have her hair short.  The only songs on the radio were about God and Jesus.  Every class somehow was tied into religion and going to Church became mandatory on Sundays.  The local temple and mosque were closed down and demolish.  They became stores and restaurants. One store became a store devoted to the Virgin Mary. Crucifixes and the new national flag were everywhere.  New laws were passed and many were killed for not following them.  They died either by being hung or stoned.  Men and women had to wear modest clothes.  Nothing could have words or images on them.  Everyone wore the same black sneakers.  On television, the only thing you saw were cartoons about God, Jesus, Mary, and the Saints.  There were also shows dedicated to prayer and bible studies. 

            One night, I heard the police sirens and their cars driving up and down every street.  It woke everyone up, including me.  My father held his hand to his head with sadness on  his face and my mother kept repeating, “I told them so, I told them so,” and Jaelyn popped into my head. 

            Jaelyn was at school the following weak but she was different.  It wasn’t her clothes or her hair, but something about her was different. 

“Jaelyn?” I asked.

“Elizabeth.  My name is Elizabeth,”

“No it’s not.  It’s Jaelyn,”

“My name is Elizabeth,” that was when I noticed a book in her hand about Catholicism for those who converted.  When I was older, I learned that Jaelyn was taken from her home, her parents exiled to Canada, and Jaelyn was placed in the care of the sisters along with many other children.  It took me a while but I did not want to believe it.  Although Elizabeth was here, my friend Jaelyn was gone.   

Smiling with Life

I remembered when Smiling with Life put me in his lap when we gathered around to hear grandfather’s story.  It’s one of my favorite memories.  Grandfather would tell us stories about good versus evil and how good always won and how trickster Gods also had good sides.  While grandfather was telling us stories, grandmother and mother would be cooking a treat.  I remember the smell of honey, a real treat!  Mother would give half to me and half to Smiling with Life.  But Smiling with Life would always give most of his share to me. 

            I also remember father sitting with us, also listening to grandfather’s stories, although father would be tired from his long hunting journeys.  Father would also be the first to fall asleep and mother would put a blanket over him and give him a soft, sweet kiss for good dreams. 

            After grandfather’s stories and eating our treat, it would be time for bed.  Grandmother would put out the fire in our tippi and crawl under the blanket with grandfather and mother would crawl under with father.  As a young child, I had a huge fear of the dark and nightmares. 

“Water Moon,” Smiling with Life would say and I would turn to him and see his big smile, “do not worry.  I will protect you.  I would never let anything happen to you, not as long as I am alive,” he would say as he would touch my cheek.  Then I would hold his hand and I would not let go until I fell asleep.  Safe in my tippi with my family. 

            I woke up to voices of the teachers walking through the room.  Waking up all the girls in my dorm.  I woke up quickly, went to the restroom, got dress, and returned to make my bed.  After making my bed, I had to tie my hair back, but it was very difficult.

“Do you need help?” a girl wispeared to me in a soft voice in our own language.  I nodded and she quickly helped me with my hair before the teachers noticed. 

“Thank you,” I replied in our language. 

            We lined up in a single filed and it was not until we were quiet that the teachers would lead us to the dinning hall.  Once at the dinning hall, we sat at our appropriate seats and folded our hands as the priests taught us. 

“Let us pray,” the priest would say once everyone was sitting at their seats.  Once the prayer was done, we were allowed to eat.  The school gave us portage, bread, and water for breakfast.  Although we ate all our food, it was not enough to fill us.  Many of us would secretly pass our food to the younger students so that they would not cry of hunger.  As we ate we did not exchange a single word.  We were not allowed to talk unless it was in the white man’s language. 

            It was shortly after my sixth winter when the white men came to our village to speak with our leaders.  My father was one of the men who escorted our leaders to the meeting.  During that winter I fell ill with an unknown sickness.  The shaman was able to give me herbs to help me feel more comfortable.  I was ill for many days but I was mostly remembered was Smiling with Life sitting next to me. 

“Rest,” he would tell me and he would tell me stories as I fell asleep with my head on his lap. 

“Brother, you will get sick too,” I said through my coughs but Smiling with Life continued to sit next to me. 

“I will always be by your side.  I promised mother at your birth that I would watch over and protect you and I will not break that promise,” he told me. 

“It hurts,” I would tell him as I coughed into my hands.

“I know, but you will have to be strong,” he said as he held me and I fell asleep. 

            “Elizabeth, please come to the board,” said the teacher.  I got up and walked up to the board and the teacher told me to write a word and I wrote on the board the word ‘you’. 

“Very good Elizabeth,” she said and I returned to my seat.  Then she called on Wolf Fang or Marc.  Marc walked to the board and spelled the word wrong.  The teacher slapped him with her ruler.  But Marc did not cry or yell, he stood tall.  That was one should except from the grandson of the village’s chief. 

            The meeting lasted for a week and then the white men left.  I was glad when they left our village and thought that life would return to normal.  Shortly after they left, my cough and fever went away.  I recovered quickly.  But one night in our tippi, everyone was silent.  No one knew that the next thing my father would say would change everything. 

“The white men want our children to go to school,”

“School?” asked my mother. 

“A place where our children can learn their language and learn to read and write.  They thought it would help our children assimiluate into their society,”

“Where will they build such a place?” asked my grandmother. 

“At their settlements,”

“But that’s so far!  Many children will not survive that long journey!” exclaimed my mother. 

“Which children will go to these schools and when?” asked Smiling with Life. 

“Each family with a child old enough to go to school will leave in three days,” my father said as he looked at me.  My mother put her head in her hands and begun to cry and my grandparents looked gravely into the fire. 

“No!” exclaimed my brother as he held me, “they can’t take her!  I won’t let them.  She belongs here with us,”

“Son, we are not the only family going through this delima.  There are families in our tribe that will lose all their children to the white men.  We will only lose one,” said my father staring at me with sad eyes.  My brother held me tight and shook his head. 

“She’s too young.  Father, let her wait a year,”

“No.  The white men said all children who have surviored five winters.  If we do not let her go, they will take her,”

“Why would our chief do this to us?” asked my mother with tears in her eyes. 

“If he did not, they would bring an army.  They would kill us all, including the children.  It is for their safety.  Even the chief’s own grandson must go with the other children.  We will no longer discuss this.  Moon Water will leave with the other children,” said my father and he got up and left our tipi, but I knew that he was sitting outside, crying and praying. 

“Brother, what’s a school?  Is it close by?” I asked.

“It’s a place where you will go on exciting adventures and you will learn important skills.  Skills that we can not teach you,” he told me.

“Is it close by?”

“No, it’s far away,”

“Will you come with me?” and that was when I saw a tear in Smiling with Life’s eyes.

“No, but I promise you.  There will be other children that you can share your adventures with and play with.  You will keep each other company,” he said with a fake smile. 

“I want you to come,”

“I can’t.  I’m too old for adventures,”

            I sat in my sewing class, sewing a quilt.  The quilt was plain and I wished I could decorate it with some sort of paint.  Add animals on it or symbols from my home.  But I knew that the school would never allow it.  Then something caught my eyes.  I looked out the window and saw white stuff falling from the sky.  It was what they called in the white men’s language, snow. 

            We were allowed to play in the snow outside.  But our jackets did not keep us that warm and we had no toys.  The younger kids enjoyed games of races to keep them busy while the older kids just stood around and tried exchanging words.  The teachers kept a close eye on us because we were not allowed to speak our native language, only the white man’s language.  Then I noticed Wolf Fang standing alone, just watching the younger children play and looking around the whole yard.  Although he was very young and one season younger then me, he tried to take the role of a leader and many of us looked up to him, including myself.  I could tell that he was no longer the boy that would follow his male relatives everywhere and join them in every boring meeting.  Now he was taking his place as a man and our chief at the school.  I could tell that the teachers kept a close eye on him and maybe, even feared him of what he could accomplish among us. 

            Three days passed quickly and the white men brought horses and cattle pulling carts.  At first they were empty but was starting to fill quickly with children.  My clan came out to see me off, especially Smiling with Life. 

“I made this for you,” said my brother.  It was a necklace with a happy face carved into it. 

“It’s to remind you that I will always be there, in your heart,” My brother kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug.  My clan hugged me and my mother cried as she held me.  As I was about to let go of my mother, my grandfather told me to never forget my people and where I came from.  I promised him that I would never forget my heritage.  Then Smiling with Life took my little hand and gave me one last look until someone grabbed my arm and forced us to let go.  Then I started to cry as the man put me in one of the carts. 

“I don’t want to go!  I don’t want to go!” I yelled with the other children and I was crying.  I remember seeing the chief and his son saying good-bye to Wolf Fang.  And then I felt a jolt and the carts started to move. 

“Protect them!  Watch over them!” yelled the chief and his son to Wolf Fang.

“I promise to protect them!” I heard Wolf Fang yell back.  Then I saw the adults running towards the carts but the carts kept getting faster and faster.  Many of the older adults eventually stopped running, but Smiling with Life kept running with the other young adults. 

“Don’t be afraid, little sister!  I will be with you!  Forever!” yelled Smiling with Life as he stopped running.  Those were the last words I heard him say. 

            Dinner passed by quickly and I returned the girl’s dormitory with my roommates and we washed up and changed into our nightgowns.  When the lights went out and we heard the teachers leave we started to speak quietly. 

“Another winter has come and will eventually passed,” said one of the girls in our language. 

“This winter would be my thirteenth winter,” I told myself.  So many years have passed since I last saw Smiling of Life.  I went to touch my necklace around my neck that he gave me, but I forgot that it was no longer there.  Shortly after we arrived, the teachers took away anything that connected us back to our families and traditions. 

“We will get out of here, Wolf Fang will make sure of it,” another girl said.  I turned in my bed and closed my eyes.  Somehow I knew there was no escaping from the school. 

            The remaining five years of my education passed before my eyes but it was very long.  After my eighteenth winter, I graduated and was allowed to leave with the other older children, including Wolf Fang.  Wolf Fang took whatever was left of us and went back west towards our village.  It was a long journey but eventually we arrived back. 

            Many of us were disappointed in hearing of our clans dying from the white men’s disease and some even moving farther west, including moving onto reservations.  I separated myself from the group once we arrived back, searching for anything left of my clan.  The place where our tipi stood was gone and in placed by another clan.  I continued walking around the tribe, searching for anyone.  By the end of the day I found Wolf Fang who was lucky enough to find his father who was now chief of the village. 

“Did you find anyone?” Wolf Fang asked me.  I shook my head.

“You can stay with my clan, we will give you shelter and food,” but I told him that I would keep looking until night fell.  I was unsuccessful and started to walk back to Wolf Fang’s tipi.  While walking I started to sing my grandfather’s prayer song that he sung to me as a young child and eventually taught me how to sing it.

“Moon Water,” I heard a voice in the wind.  The voice was coming behind me and I turned around and saw him.  He was much older, masculine, but still had that same smile and look in his eyes. 

“Smiling with Life,”